Widowhood Season 8.14: Keep me in a daydream

Superstition, Stevie Wonder, Talking Book

Talking Book is one of “those” albums for Kevin and I. Listened to it in Maui.

The horn section is the peanut butter to the clavinet’s jelly, and the drums are the bread.

“When you believe in things that you don’t understand, then you suffer” counts as one of the most profound lyrics in my music collection. The lyrics are what attracted Kevin to the song (other than hey it’s Stevie in his productive synth phase!). He wasn’t much for making decisions based on any kind of superstition. Doesn’t matter what the source–if it wasn’t provable fact, you couldn’t convince him to believe in it, more often than not. His cynicism manifested more in his later years, as his pain increased while The ACA was being debated by people who could not comprehend being compassionate, despite adhering to doctrine that includes compassion as one of its virtues.

Oh, how much better life would be if the human race lacked superstition. A myriad of conflicts would cease to exist if people kept forgetting that we’re all human beings trying to exist in this day and age without suffering. Kevin really wanted that.

I have examined my own superstitions and abandoned ones that were hindrances. Does abandoning the hindrance superstitions alter my ability to be a decent human being who strives not to trouble or be troubled by others? Not really. I still maintained my moral compass. The fear of upsetting a Deity doesn’t exist in my mind. What does exists is my base level of respect for my fellow humans in general that I’ve had since I was old enough to learn right from wrong.

I’m fortunate to live in a country that allows me this luxury, and allows others to choose to adopt any particular style of faith that seeks to treat all others fairly, especially those whose lives are vastly different from yours. Because humans have yet to find a way to accurately determine what happens after we’re declared dead that we can derive using the scientific method. Nor do we know if any flavor of “thoughts and prayers” can withstand the scientific method on a large scale.

Do I hope I’ll see Kevin after I’m dead? Sure. Can’t count on it though.

Do I think he’ll always be a part of me? Sure. Soulmate, remember?

Sometimes it feels like Kevin’s trying to let me know he’s still floating around in the Airwaves and is watching over me as best he can. I’d love to know for sure that those signals I seem to get are real. It’s a comforting thought. I accept I’ll never know and enjoy them when they seem to come around.

Then again, there is still a part of me who tries to think of that time in my life as some elaborate dream. Yes, delulu, as is the vernacular these days. I know it was real, but it’s been a process to be able to sit with that knowledge, understand I’m grieving, and process it without too much emotional fanfare. Time has definitely helped. So have meds and therapy.

Knowing him really has made me a better person. Loving him has made me a more compassionate person. It’s wonderful to be able to love my boyfriends with the same kind of love I got that helped me grow as a person. It’s wonderful to be able to be loved as I am, as it also nurtures me to become a better person.

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