daphne · journal

Widowhood Season 8.13: The mo(u)rning that comes into view

Siberian Khatru, Yes, Close To The Edge

To me, this song is the prog equivalent to a movie using a “party song” to tie everything up in a neat bow and play until the credits finish rolling.

Does this mourning really get easier with time? Apparently so. But then again, other things have popped up for me this year that had pretty much been filed away in my head under “trauma to deal with later.”

I have many moments of “OMG I MISS MY SOULMATE DAMNIT!”, but they no longer make me stop in my tracks to bawl my eyes out because I’m feeling those emotionally painful feels.

It also helps if you know you’re going to focus most of that day on what you’ve gained rather than what you lost. Yeah, I’m gonna be in a weird head space, and I have just the two wonderful men to help keep me from getting lost in my head. I’ve done a lot of the work–I want to build new memories to go alongside the old ones.

This song also reminds me of walking to the Trader Joe’s that was down the street from my apartment in the SFV. Bongload, load cassette in the walkman, and enjoy the walk! Back then, the neighborhood was filled with these charming, small apartment buildings full of beautiful rose bushes that had been there roughly a half century. That street is full of many new apartment buildings standing on that same land. I think I can understand better how Kevin felt when we went to Maui (“there’s so many new buildings!”).

As I’ve mentioned before, my 20’s weren’t really typical of my peers. Amour Fou May/December relationships do that, sometimes. Could I have been more productive so my future wasn’t as difficult? Yes, indeed. Was I woefully behind in being able to adult? Somewhat. Was it nice to have someone to help with that? Mostly.

Well, I can’t un-live that part of my life. No second drafts possible. That’s acceptance. I really need to make sure I’ve learned all the lessons I was meant to learn from that part of my life. I kinda feel like I owe Kevin that.

I’m kinda living the typical 20’s in my 40’s. I started out 40 as a widow, and I’ve been determined to do my best to live a life, rather than continue to exist without Kevin. HUGE difference, of course.

I gained so much from my years with Kevin, but sometimes it was at the price of my autonomy. Am I stronger? Yes, but only because I had to endure (and process) all that emotional pain. And the processing isn’t over, if I’m completely honest with myself.

It was such a complex relationship, and my feels regarding it will always be mixed. I accept that, which I suppose has made mourning much easier as time has passed.

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