daphne · journal

Surviving Amour Fou #6: The Beginning Was the End (a letter)


Of course I’m writing on the 25th anniversary of us finding each other on AOL. That day changed my life. 3/1/1996 truly was the beginning of my life with you. (And it some ways, my life began again 19 years later…)

For so many years, I thought we’d celebrate this day together with the “next generation” of cats. Probably dinner while watching a favorite show and Scrabble with desert. Instead, I went to work, listened to a bunch of albums we loved, came home to my Sweetie, and made nachos for dinner. Watched TV projected on the wall, in a nice little apartment 5 minutes from where I was raised. I’m happy.

If there is an Afterworld, and loved ones can show us little “signs”–you certainly have been at it lately, especially with the so-called random shuffle. At least I can finally get through Pet Sounds without shedding a tear. It’s going to be nice to have that album back. Let It Be is still a little hard to get all the way through. In time. And like right now… Frank Sinatra’s My Way?

Kevin, when I allow myself to miss you, it hurts so much because it’s the only time I allow myself to remember that my time with you is real. It’s gonna take more time for me to really give that past a slip. My soul knew its mate for 18 years. I’m grateful for that. The Amour Fou part I could have done without. What are ya gonna do?

Could we have avoided your death? In an alternate universe, sure. Not in this one, with who we were during that whole time. What are ya gonna do?

I wouldn’t be who I am without losing you. That’s the paradox of my lifetime. Well, one of them. This is another: If you had loved me the way my Sweetie and my Darling love me, you may not have had to suffer the way you did. What are ya gonna do?

I recently had a boss that reminded me of not-so-pleasant parts of our dynamic. Now that my soul can no longer endure certain types of behavior from other humans, it started to get exponentially untolerable. I lasted about a month between the time I realized what was going on and having to take two weeks off work because I damn near broke down. It wasn’t just work that got me thinking of you for the last quarter of 2020. Again, what are ya gonna do?

Your website’s turning 25. I’m updating it while making sure as many links as possible do not change. You should see how easy it is to program a website with a shopping cart now! I’m ecstatic to share Synthfool with my Sweetie and my Darling. We will make you proud.

It’s time for me to wind down and snuggle next to my Sweetie.

What a glorious time to be free…


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