daphne · journal

Widowhood Season 6.4: Survivor’s Guilt

Using the day off you’re taking because you just can’t go to work on your widowhood anniversary, to attend to your medical needs, using your insurance and FasTrack pass to drive out to where the referral is. Seriously?

The nerve… After all, you failed. You even forgave him before he died. You didn’t know what the mourning would be like, and yet you forgave him?

Gotta love survivor’s guilt. I need the damn MRI because of a dumb choice 30 years ago that resulted in a lovely compression fracture on my L1.(An alternate universe has me the parent of a 29 year old, had I made a different dumb choice that day.) Now that area is not happy with me. X-ray wasn’t detailed enough, so it’s MRI time.(My upper back is mostly muscle- related pain, as the specialist expected.)

I did what I could for Kevin. You fight the good fight as best you can and accept defeat gracefully.

I’ve done my best to create a new life for myself these past 7 years. I’ve been delayed by grief more than I expected. Significant losses of loved ones are hell to go though. Full stop.

I love where I am in life, by and large. It’s like I’m finally figuring out who I really am for the first time in my life.

Speaking of which, Darling said supper’s ready.

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