So I just got home from KnobCon 12. Overall, it was a great experience.

The banquet, however, kinda put me off diving back into the synth world.

The banquet’s guest of honor (GOH) is someone I’ve known about since 1997. Only seen him in person once. Kevin had Major Issues with GOH For Valid Reasons. So did a good friend of his, Mark Pulver. Mark’s a dear friend and was my host for the event. Mark is a kindred old soul, and has been instrumental in helping me grow into widowhood this past decade.

GOH had it out for Mark and I the moment we said hello to GOH while standing in line near him waiting for passes on Friday. His energy changed once he knew who we were and that he was not a celebrity in our eyes.

At the banquet on Saturday night, Mark and I sat as far from GOH as possible. Don’t go looking for trouble, right? GOH chose to seek us out after the meal and put his hands on our chairs.  He put up a front of playfulness to all in earshot, but “Wait until you hear what I have to say” was whispered to us before he took his hands off our chairs and walked away.

As soon as he mentioned the Analog Heaven mailing list in his speech, I literally LOL’d.  Ok so it was cackling. I knew THAT’S what his whispered declaration was about. I did not expect what came next, however.

GOH reduced Kevin’s presence in the synth world to that of a troll knowing full well I, his widow, was there. Kevin is the man who literally died for your synths because he put his heart, mind, and soul into being the best tech he could be. Add to this the fact that he’s also calling Mark, my dear friend a troll as well. I was floored. 

Honestly, I’d forgotten the trunk full of CEMs story.  But as GOH told his side of that story, my mind took me back to the apartment in Toluca Lake, reading emails both from Analog Heaven (AH) and private correspondence between GOH and Kevin.  And I remembered other things—the whole fiasco with Don Martin trying to steal Moog’s name (and Kevin and Mark’s efforts to help Bob Moog get it back).  The Sage hoax.  In other words, the context in which GOH entered AH with his CEM’s.  The context necessary for the story to be told fairly.

(Yes, I did call GOH out on his “I can put a Moog 55 modular synth on a PC Card” claim. That one stuck out at me as preposterous in my 20’s when I barely knew a VCO from a VCR, and I had to call him out on something.  I allowed him to provide his excuse about why it never materialized without further comment.)

So when the speech was over, I was livid. And numb. It took a lot for me to get to the point where I was emotionally ready to enter back into a community I was a part of for nearly 20 years. I began to wonder, did I make a mistake by trying to embrace this part of my life with Kevin?

Out of respect for the event and the people behind it, after the banquet, I went into self-care mode and chose to dance to some very wonderful live music.  It helped distract me from the trauma of the loss creeping back into my consciousness in droves and the “how dare you insult my loved ones” sentiment that brings out my Inner Mama Bear.  As much as I wanted to go downstairs after the banquet to experience the aural delights and to spend more time with friends, I couldn’t allow myself to be in a space where I would be inclined to let people know how I felt about GOH’s speech. This convention isn’t all about me, after all.

The next morning, I could no longer distract myself.

GOH HAD THE AUDACITY TO PUBLICLY CALL MY BELOVED HUSBAND TO A TROLL.  That really happened.  Oh dear.

Cue reliving the darkest memories of the last 3 months of Kevin’s life.  In living color in my mind’s eye.  Even working through them with multiple therapists can’t erase them from my memory.

Even if Mark and I didn’t already have plans elsewhere on Sunday, I couldn’t be at the convention in that mental state.  All the “bleeps and bloops” would have been emotional daggers in my soul.

I feel that GOH knew exactly what he was doing with his speech, and I simply cannot believe his claims that he did not intend to be hurtful. If it truly was not malice, it was ignorance not befitting someone of his status.  There was no reason for GOH to speak the names of Kevin Lightner and Mark Pulver when telling his story.  “I got trolled on Analog Heaven” would have been sufficient for the story to fit into his speech.

Kevin had many words to describe GOH. Mensch was never one of them.