SB,

I know you’ve been with me lately. I can feel you on more than just the wind. In my mind’s eye, I saw us dancing to Mancini the other day. Send a little love my way, indeed. I always loved the way you used to do your “Motown Dancing.”

Odd little nods everywhere. Songs, song titles, the numbers on the clock. Of course you’d never really leave me. Obviously you’re in my heart until it stops beating. I carry on bearing your last name. I’m the nerd you so heavily encouraged and influenced. I’m the keeper of your “legacy” and the teller of your stories. Listening to Pet Sounds isn’t painful. It’s as encouraging as it was right before I moved in with you! You’ve interjected in conversations with our Mutual Friend, echoing much of what he’s said.

I feel you more profoundly when I’m taking steps to living a life worthy of your sacrifice. I know, it’s about time! You usually stand back and let me live, but I know you’re sticking closer to me because of the Three Big Things In Six Days.

Work: This is a huge plus, helping to enact improvements without being the one who has to take on all the work. I wish I’d been able to find a job like this when you were alive…. Though I’m not sure it existed. Definitely not where we lived! But this is what I need.

Friendship: You were right, (my former) Bestie is a drunk. Unrepentant to the core. Refuses to see Rock Bottom for what it is, because other people have had worse journeys with substance abuse. It’s hard not to cringe and hang my head in shame to think of the issues that person caused me. I could not see what was before me. It’s hard reaching the point where I know I’m better off without them in my life. Someone it seems who would rather suffer and self-medicate with “just beer” than to do the work necessary to have a better life. I wash my hands of [their] demolition…

Residency: It’s time to live alone again. There’s so much I’m missing out on because of the patterns I was repeating. Part of me wants to live my 50’s for the both of us because you barely got to experience them. Part of me wants to embrace the writing talents you dismissed as me being self indulgent. Part of me wants to pay for a place I have full control and access of. Part of me remembers the desire I had since I was a kid to have my own place. Yes, I love living with Darling and the Stepcats, and that I will miss dearly. This isn’t going to be forever, but it needs to be for awhile. I can tell you really want this for me. Isn’t it part of what you wanted my widowhood to look like? You didn’t want me to take care of anyone and be alone, like you were for years before we met. It’s quite an extreme action, but we both know it’s been time for way too long.

And yeah, turning 50 is scaring the fuck out of me. The last decade without you flew by faster than I thought it would. Ok, so the last 5 years in particular. I grew a ton in my 40’s, and I think the next decade will be about finding contentment in building a future that will balance what I want and what I need.

I still wonder why you don’t try to visit me in dreams. Of all the things to dream about, it would be great to “visit” you in the place we said we’d meet at in the Afterworld. Yeah I know, it’s not exactly easy to pull that sorta stuff off. Wouldn’t it be nice?

I think one of the best things I did for myself this calendar year was decide to take dance classes. Polynesian pings my lumbago too much. Finding a dance school that is willing to accept an old lady has been a treasure. Building up my flexibility and working on learning short routines has been both a blast and is an awesome stress reducer.

While writing this, so many songs we both love have been popping up. I know that’s the biggest art form we shared from the beginning.

And yeah, Mutual Friend and I are going to take one of your ideas into the 20’s, taking advantage of the technological advancements that weren’t available to you in the 10’s. We will make you proud.

And I think that’s about all for tonight. I’ve got Contemporary class in 20 and I need to distract myself with Pokémon Go so I can center myself a little before I re-channel the “I MISS MY SOULMATE” feels into today’s warmup.

LYLC

30 Oct 2024