Darling is here for a few days. It feels so much more like home when he’s here. After all, that’s why we got a 2 bedroom. 🙂 The three of us will need the room. Plus the stepcats need a place away from the rest of the house because Sweetie’s allergic. (Yep, Cat Room #2!)

Sweetie and Darling are both tired, but I got a second wind. So I turned off the lights in the bedroom and hallway so they could sleep better. They look so cute cuddled together. I love it when they discuss Pokemon stuff. I love hearing them talk about our fish tanks. I love that I have my own tank with fish I picked out. It makes them so happy to keep fish. I enjoy seeing them happy and love looking at the tanks. We’re so happy and so lucky.

Besides, finances are my job and I had to crunch numbers to give me peace of mind so I can sleep better. Darling’s got a heck of a discount at work this weekend and it means getting brand-new work clothes at thrift store prices. Queer Eye rubbed off on me–I leveled up job-wise, and now I want to level up my work wardrobe to match. I feel better getting a little more dressed up. I love having new clothes for a change. Still no makeup or heels. Just can’t. But I digress.

I realized the other day that I need to accept the fact that my sister and my Mom will never really get me. We’re just wired differently in key ways. I’m childfree. My Sister’s a Mom, my Mom’s a Grandma. They raised my nephew together. He’s 13. I’m the cool Aunt who understands Memes and had him help me change the oil in my Miata. Sweetie’s his Uncle. (So is Darling, but they haven’t met yet.) They’re happy with their roles and I’m happy with mine.

Their acceptance and approval meant so much to me growing up. I’ve tried to accept who they are and not try to change them. I’ve never really gotten that in return without having to put in some emotional labor. I’m kinda over wanting to do that kind of emotional labor aymore.

But really, it’s “Daphne’s our daughter/sister”, not “Daphne’s our daughter/sister.” Who I really am as a person takes a backseat to how I’m related to them. (Didn’t bode well for developing self esteem as a kid. That’s a different can of worms, though.)

Hell, those two still use my birth name and won’t even try to use my chosen name. Why? They’re too used to using my birth name. Plus Daphne is a nickname Kevin gave me and he was rather disrespectful to them. He’s dead and they would rather pretend he didn’t exist. I get it, truly. Though for them not to put their feelings aside and be emotionally supportive is frustrating. (I gotta give my Daddy mad props for the fact that he’s willing to be empathetic and hasn’t shared his opinion of Kevin in many years.)

Sister can’t understand why I still consider him my soulmate, especially when I Sweetie and Darling to be the loves of my life. He’s always going to be that evil man who hurt her daughter to my Mom. Sis will always project her own first marriage onto my marriage. They don’t get how I can feel such profound loss for Kevin because of all the bad stuff. Doesn’t make Widowhood Season any easier. Though thankfully I don’t have to deal with them as much because I have my own place now.

I can’t tell either of them that I’m in a triad because I’m not up for doing the emotional labor involved in coming out to them. I’m sure my Dad would try to understand, but I’d rather not put him in the position of knowing stuff about me that my Mom doesn’t. I’ve done that before but I didn’t get what being married was about back then.

Do I think they’ll eventually figure it out, especially after Darling moves in? Yeah. Will I tell the truth if they ask? Yep. I’ll make sure they know that what we have, first and foremost, is love. I’ll tell them that I have a level of love and acceptance that I’ve never really had before in my life. I have two men who think I’m awesome just the way I am and embrace my weirdness instead of admonish it.

They don’t understand what it’s like to be in love as a childfree woman. They don’t know what it’s like to be a widow. They don’t know just how much good Kevin did for me. Nor are they either willing or capable of comprehending. I don’t know which it is and I don’t care anymore.

Yeah, they’ll never get it. Which is fine, because I’ll never truly get the motherhood thing. Intellectually, I get it, which is why I decided against it.

And that motherhood bias. Oy vey. That bond of raising a baby is damn strong and changes priorities like everyone says it does. That’s why I need to accept things for how they are. There’s no changing them, and that’s ok.

Sure, they will love me unconditionally, but I have to abandon the hope that they will accept me unconditionally. It’s going to take some time to fully accept it and not let it bother me. Lucky for me I have Sweetie and Darling to love me the way they never will.

Just gotta work on making peace with this. It’ll make life easier in the long term.