I’m sitting here listening to The Beatles album Let It Be. Much like Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of The Moon, The Beach Boys’ Pet Sounds, and Suzanne Vega’s 9 Objects of Desire, this album reminds me so much of Kevin that I’ve actively refrained from listening to it until now. I don’t know what changed… Continue reading Surviving Amor Fou, #2: Music
I had a boyfriend from 1990 to 1995 that I used to call Dearie. I didn’t realize how abusive it was until just before we broke up, when a good friend kept pointing out that I shouldn’t tolerate Dearie’s behavior. I recently found my journal from the last year or so of that relationship. Here’s… Continue reading Relationship Red Flag Journal Entry #1
a·mour fou/ˌämo͝or ˈfo͞o/noun uncontrollable or obsessive passion. I was first introduced to this concept when watching The Sopranos with Kevin. Tony Soprano fell in love with one of Dr. Melfi’s other patients and had quite a tumultuous time of it. I kind of had a feeling at the time I watched those episodes that my… Continue reading Surviving Amor Fou, #1: Panic Attacks
I’m trying to get in the habit of taking a long drive on the weekends. I’ve done it a couple times. The first time I had clutch issues (slave cylinder), and that put the habit on hold for awhile. Now I’m determined not to let the car sit for too long without being driven. Around… Continue reading Sunday Driving and Freewriting
I remember years ago, the “New Normal” for me was being grateful for the gift of a wheelchair so Kevin could go out without having to walk around. These days, it means spending a lot of time in my room. I’m fortunate to have been working from home for the past 8 weeks. I love… Continue reading Another New Normal
On April 26, 2000, I got my tubes tied. I had to fight like hell to get it. Everyone saw this unmarried 20-something of Mexican descent in LA County who did not want to have children. They laughed at me. They tried to get me to get a psychiatric evaluation. They kept telling me I… Continue reading Another 20 Year Milestone
No Sgt. Pepper here. 😉 20 years ago today, April 6,2000, I stood on a cliff in West Maui and married Kevin. I still smile when I think of that day. Giggling as we held hands and walked behind the minister on the way to that spot. People noticing us and cheering because we were… Continue reading It was 20 Years Ago Today. . .
The Miles David album “Bitches Brew” is about to turn 50, and I’m listening to it for the first time. I recognize a lot of the names of the people who are playing with him. I’m 3 minutes into “Pharaoh’s Dance” and I’m in love already. Exactly the kind of jazz I tend to lean… Continue reading Narrative Mostly Freewriting #5
Winter, 2020 (specifically March 2nd) Note: Written as homework for therapy. SB, It’s been hard for me to face the loss of you. You were in my life for 46% of it up to the moment you died. The cats were our kids, and you stayed alive for them as much as for me. It… Continue reading Dear Kevin
The friends that have walked on before usAre waiting to take us to laughter and dancing.The friends that have walked on before usAre waiting to take us to the sky. Dreamland, The B-52’s I’d like to believe there is an afterlife, but I really don’t have proof. I mean, sometimes I can feel the presence… Continue reading Narrative Mostly Freewriting #4