Last Friday, I tested for an earned my blue belt in Taekwondo.

But wait, you might say if you’ve known me awhile, didn’t you get one a long time ago?

Yes, actually, I did. This one counts more than the other one did. No belt skipping, no thin boards, no studying alongside children.

That’s made all the difference this time around. . . Starting over again 18 years after I started this journey.

I’ve made it a bit of a thing this year to have the color of my toenails match my TKD belt rank. Purple, orange, green, and now blue, with sparkles added for each color’s Senior level. I chose a nice shade of dark blue and got one of the more elaborate packages. It’s how I reward myself for all the work that goes into earning the next belt. It’s been a weird ride since August, between the temp gig and the EMDR, with a couple of events, shows, and a cold occupying my time on top of TKD.

I’ve never really been able to develop a good classmate-level connection before. Especially this year, as my class has grown and we’ve made an effort to keep in touch outside of class. We’ve bonded over the art form we’ve chosen to study. We learn and nurture each other as our Master does with all of us.

I know Kevin would be proud of me for going through TKD from the ground up again, the proper way he wanted me to in the first place. He’d also be glad I’m using it to help process grief—-accomplishing something instead of letting the void in my heart and soul he left keep me from truly living the life that’s only possible because he’s gone.