I\u2019m sitting here on my bed, under a canopy of a crocheted blanket watching the film Baby Snakes, watching Zappa waxing poetic about the merits of Titties and Beer and appreciation of fans who have attended multiple shows. I started this film earlier in the day, as a way of immersing myself in music. Unlike most of the times I get stuck in this sort of loop of going through life covered in a film of grief, I chose Zappa this time because I didn\u2019t start exploring his catalog until just before I turned 50. I knew I needed to stay in the present. (Besides, I still see all the synths I usually do when I dive into music that\u2019s been a part of my soul for much longer.).<\/p>\n\n\n\n
This year being the 30th anniversary of meeting Kevin has definitely made me just a little more grateful that I\u2019ve employed a combination of SSRI\u2019s, therapy, and Taekwondo to shore up my mental health. Plus I\u2019ve made it a point to go to live music shows several times this year, finally doing what I never really got to last century. I found a way out of that toxic workplace and have not looked back. The way out has been a mixed bag, but a definite improvement. As I wrote to a friend earlier today, I\u2019m going through a corridor into something better suited for me. The trip through the corridor hasn\u2019t been easy, but it hasn\u2019t been that bad.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Earlier this year, as part of my therapy and a desire to continue to address my complicated grief, I tried EMDR earlier in the year with some benefit. I chose significant but not emotionally heavy things to work on. That helped.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then in August, I decided to be ambitious and try to work on one of the Really Bad Moments (RBM) that happened less than a month before Kevin died. I\u2019m opting not to describe what happened because I don\u2019t want to get lost in that memory. I have told less than half a dozen people about the memory. Three years ago, one of those people gained my silence by threatening to repeat the memory. As a result, RBM has risen higher in my subconscious after keeping it pretty buried for several years.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I made a little bit of progress with the EMDR session\u2014RBM thoughts don\u2019t haunt me as much anymore, and I can keep from getting absorbed in the memory. So that\u2019s good. I soon realized I\u2019d done nothing to prepare for what I might feel after the session. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Four days after the session was what would have been Kevin\u2019s 64th birthday. Due to the job change, I though I\u2019d be strong enough to work through it. I made it through the work day and even attended a stretching class that night\u2014it was the last one of the series I\u2019d signed up for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Then, once I was home for the evening, I allowed myself to feel the sadness that had been clouding my soul that day. Queue sobbing my heart out for a few minutes. That kind of sobbing is when the emotional pain is still nearly as raw as it was since the moment Kevin\u2019s death was confirmed. Doesn\u2019t happen nearly as often as it did in my early 40\u2019s. (Yay, progress!)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
(Frank just jumped into a fast version of Camarillo Brillo. That certainly distracted me from focusing on those tears.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The film of grief that\u2019s been lingering since that last EMDR session, if it had to be described, is a little tacky in some places but can dry up in others. One day I get all these random comforting signs that make me smile because it happened, and the next I\u2019m bombarded with songs that make me want to cry because it\u2019s over. I also tend to be a nostalgic creature, so I have been thinking about just how much life I\u2019ve lived since 1996. In some ways that count I\u2019m the same\u2014deviant but not evil. In way too many others to list, I\u2019m older and wiser. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As for the side effects of growth? I\u2019m proud of myself for trying to process RBM, even if it did set me back a little bit. I had to try. I needed to try. I still want to try again, but I need to actually prepare for it. Just because it\u2019s a mental health procedure rather than a physical one doesn\u2019t mean it shouldn\u2019t be taken seriously. I\u2019m not sure just how much I truly understood that before August, now that we\u2019re into October. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Zappa\u2019s been over for a bit, and I\u2019ve been shuffling through music videos the algorithm\u2019s suggesting based on the information it\u2019s gathered about me. It\u2019s fairly good writing music, though it does require pausing to bypass stuff I\u2019m not quite in the mood for.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Been toying around with some fiction ideas as of late. There are a few stories I\u2019d like to explore based on the flashes of character history and insight I\u2019ve gotten in the past year-ish. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
In fact, I think I\u2019m going to switch over to some of that\u2026.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
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