I downloaded a random scrabble-type game a couple months ago and have been playing against their bot on \u201cNormal\u201d mode. Haven\u2019t lost a game yet. As silly as it sounds, it\u2019s kind of comforting. Kevin and I played a lot of Scrabble during our time together. We bought two versions of the game as operating systems evolved. I couldn\u2019t play this game for years after he died. Too fucking painful.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
So far my best scoring word was \u201cQuoted\u201d for 99 points. I\u2019ve won all 495 games I\u2019ve played. And yeah, that\u2019s a lot. It seems like my new self-soothing method or something like that. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
This is the first time I\u2019m writing using the Specific Writing Space Setup that I devised last week. Didn\u2019t purchase anything new for it\u2014either I had it or it was a hand-me-down.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
But like the title says, coming up with words in a game against a bunch of code is really easy. Doing this\u2014sitting down and writing like deliberately\u2014hasn\u2019t been easy. The words swirl around a lot in my head but it\u2019s hard to actually write them. For some odd reason, that reminded me of Malcolm X talking about how hard it was for him to kneel and pray to Allah the first time. Sometimes, finding the necessary gumption takes longer than one would like.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I started therapy again recently. I really needed it. I\u2019ve got a great one this time! Apparently my narrative style also comes out in the way I talk. Interesting. Yes, I do want to process the last relationship I got out of, but more importantly, I need to figure out who the hell I am at this point in my life. Now that I\u2019ve reached the point in my life where I\u2019m a raging demisexual old maid, I need to have a rough plan for the rest of my life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I think I\u2019m closer to who I would have wanted to be at 50 when I was 14 than anything. Well, had I known about things like polyamory, soul mates, and jazz fusion. Of course, it\u2019s easy to follow that mindset when I\u2019m listening to the same music by the same DJ\u2019s as I did back then. I think I always go back to 14 because I think that\u2019s when I was finally starting to feel more comfortable in my own skin. Then the quest for heteronormativity set in and fucked things up for like 3 and a half decades. I mean, I did wonder what it would be like to have a boyfriend back then. I was demibi back then though, even though I didn\u2019t know the nuances of sexual attraction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The part of me that misses Kevin so much it hurts has been popping up more lately. I think that\u2019s why I keep gravitating towards the word game. I know I\u2019m playing against code, not the spirit of my dead husband. Why? I\u2019m having all the luck he used to have when we played. \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n\n\n\n
I\u2019ve had \u201cmy bedroom\u201d for about a year now. It\u2019s only really taken shape the past couple of months. It all started with getting my childhood dream bed\u2014a canopy daybed. That freed up so much space in my room. Making an effort to keep things tidier has been a slow thing. I\u2019m pleased to discover that the more empty space on the floor I have, the more motivated I am to keep it from getting too cluttered. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Back to that writing spot. It\u2019s a good illustration of the perks of having a clean floor. It\u2019s gonna be easy for me to sit down and write like I am right now. And like TKD, even if I\u2019m not totally enthusiastic about it when I start doing it, I never regret the experience.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Speaking of TKD, I\u2019m having sooo much fun! So happy that I finally get to experience Purple Belt Life. My school has this \u201cnurturing with discipline\u201d vibe and it has done so much for my body and my soul. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I still remember being in 1st grade and Miss Flynn (RIP) was talking about her apartment and her cat. That\u2019s what I wanted\u2014my own place. However, I was never led to believe that was a valid option, just something that might happen when I got older if I didn\u2019t get to have a \u201cnormal life\u201d with a husband and children. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Well, I did write a little last week, because I had the time. Had to process some Previous Relationship Realizations that had been swirling around in my head for a week or two. I mean, there\u2019s a lot I could say about those two. I guess the best way to say it is that I miss what I thought I had. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I downloaded a random scrabble-type game a couple months ago and have been playing against their bot on \u201cNormal\u201d mode. Haven\u2019t lost a game yet. As silly as it sounds, it\u2019s kind of comforting. Kevin and I played a lot of Scrabble during our time together. We bought two versions of the game as operating… Continue reading It\u2019s easy to come up with words, but only one at a time\u2026 (mostly narrative free writing again)<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[4,71],"tags":[37],"class_list":["post-602","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-journal","category-monie","tag-freewriting"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p8fVx5-9I","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/602","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=602"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/602\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":603,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/602\/revisions\/603"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=602"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=602"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=602"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}