{"id":554,"date":"2024-02-14T07:20:04","date_gmt":"2024-02-14T07:20:04","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/?p=554"},"modified":"2024-02-14T07:20:04","modified_gmt":"2024-02-14T07:20:04","slug":"hard-feelings-1-from-olive-oyl-to-smoliv","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/hard-feelings-1-from-olive-oyl-to-smoliv\/","title":{"rendered":"Hard Feelings #1: From Olive Oyl to Smoliv"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Inspired by https:\/\/www.jennettemccurdy.com\/<\/a><\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I was 14, I was weighed at the doctor’s office and they had to adjust the scale’s base to 100 for the first time in my life. Internally, I freaked the fuck out and didn’t allow that to happen again until I was 26 and dealing with my anorexia for the first time in my life. So much credit goes to Kevin for calling me out on the depression aspect of it, which was what prompted me to fire up Alta Vista and search for eating disorders. Kevin was a huge part of my initial recovery, and helped me again when I relapsed at 35 as a side effect of being his caretaker. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I know it’s mostly about control for me. Some of it is about poor body image, especially as of late. Having to use a regular scale for weighing packages between 5 and 10lbs at work means I have to weigh myself holding the package and subtract it from me weighing myself without it. I’m trying not to think about the numbers that much, but I’m pre-disposed to that bullshit because being really tiny used to be my thing. Then it was a way to cope with not feeling that I had any autonomy at all as a teenager (for several reasons that need not be itemized lest I go off on a tangent). <\/p>\n\n\n\n

One of the reasons I like shopping at thrift stores is because I could afford to replace clothes if they don’t fit right. Tight-fitting clothes do me no good because they start that little voice that used to fuel my anorexia. (And yeah, Kevin gets negative credit for later saying I was gaining too much weight in my early 30’s, which helped fuel the relapse. Told ya our relationship was complicated.) <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I need to re-think how I eat and try to make it work for me rather than against me. Restricting foods is out. Gravitating towards better foods is a step in the right direction, but I have to be good about it. It’s not always easy to temper when dealing with mental illness, but I do my best. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s so mentally exhausting, having to deal with this bullshit when I’m pushing forty-fucking-nine. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Inspired by https:\/\/www.jennettemccurdy.com\/ When I was 14, I was weighed at the doctor’s office and they had to adjust the scale’s base to 100 for the first time in my life. Internally, I freaked the fuck out and didn’t allow that to happen again until I was 26 and dealing with my anorexia for the… Continue reading Hard Feelings #1: From Olive Oyl to Smoliv<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-554","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p8fVx5-8W","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":475,"url":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/widowhood-season-8-5\/","url_meta":{"origin":554,"position":0},"title":"Widowhood Season 8.5: The child is father of the man","author":"Daphne Lightner","date":"July 5, 2023","format":false,"excerpt":"Surf's Up, The Beach Boys, Surf's Up Back in the days before music was easy (and free) to obtain, if you damaged your copy of an album, you pretty much lost your ability to hear that music until you obtained a copy again. Both Kevin and I grew up listening\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "daphne"","block_context":{"text":"daphne","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/category\/daphne\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":498,"url":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/widowhood-season-8-7-new-frontier\/","url_meta":{"origin":554,"position":1},"title":"Widowhood Season 8.7: New Frontier","author":"Daphne Lightner","date":"July 8, 2023","format":false,"excerpt":"New Frontier, Donald Fagen, The Nightfly This was the first song Kevin played for me from this album. He was obsessed with finding the video for it that he'd only seen a couple times. I think it took him until after the turn of the century to find the whole\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "daphne"","block_context":{"text":"daphne","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/category\/daphne\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":573,"url":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/the-knobcon-12-banquet\/","url_meta":{"origin":554,"position":2},"title":"The Knobcon 12 Banquet","author":"Daphne Lightner","date":"September 10, 2024","format":false,"excerpt":"So I just got home from KnobCon 12. Overall, it was a great experience. The banquet, however, kinda put me off diving back into the synth world. The banquet's guest of honor (GOH) is someone I've known about since 1997. Only seen him in person once. Kevin had Major Issues\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "daphne"","block_context":{"text":"daphne","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/category\/daphne\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":533,"url":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/this-blog-is-pretty-much-just-about-kevin-isnt-it\/","url_meta":{"origin":554,"position":3},"title":"This blog is pretty much just about Kevin, isn’t it?","author":"Daphne Lightner","date":"November 4, 2023","format":false,"excerpt":"Content warning: death, dying with dignity, suicide. Skip this if it's gonna trigger you, and go watch baby animals or dark memes or whatever'll boost your dopamine. To be fair, losing Kevin was pretty traumatic, and I find it easiest to process these feelings via writing. We \"put animals out\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "journal"","block_context":{"text":"journal","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/category\/journal\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":278,"url":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/surviving-amor-fou-2-music\/","url_meta":{"origin":554,"position":4},"title":"Surviving Amor Fou, #2: Music","author":"Daphne Lightner","date":"June 2, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"I'm sitting here listening to The Beatles album Let It Be. Much like Pink Floyd's Dark Side of The Moon, The Beach Boys' Pet Sounds, and Suzanne Vega's 9 Objects of Desire, this album reminds me so much of Kevin that I've actively refrained from listening to it until now.\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "daphne"","block_context":{"text":"daphne","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/category\/daphne\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":464,"url":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/widowhood-season-8-3-a-love-poet\/","url_meta":{"origin":554,"position":5},"title":"Widowhood Season 8.3: A Love Poet","author":"Daphne Lightner","date":"July 3, 2023","format":false,"excerpt":"Eggplant, Michael Franks, The Art of Tea I first became aware of Michael Franks in 1998. Kevin bought the CD A Backwards Glance as an introduction. (Probably before we got ADSL.) My life was improved the day my ears met his music for the first time. Yes, I know I\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "journal"","block_context":{"text":"journal","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/category\/journal\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/554","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=554"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/554\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":556,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/554\/revisions\/556"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=554"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=554"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=554"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}