{"id":510,"date":"2023-07-13T16:35:00","date_gmt":"2023-07-13T16:35:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/?p=510"},"modified":"2023-07-14T06:28:24","modified_gmt":"2023-07-14T06:28:24","slug":"widowhood-season-8-11-til-lured-by-the-sirens-cry","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/widowhood-season-8-11-til-lured-by-the-sirens-cry\/","title":{"rendered":"Widowhood Season 8.11: ‘Til lured by the siren’s cry"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Firth of Fifth, Genesis, Selling England By the Pound<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

This has to be one of my favorite Genesis songs. I think if someone wanted an example of 70’s prog rock, I might bust this one out. It’s not <\/p>\n\n\n\n

This is one of the first early Genesis songs Kevin played for me in our earliest days. It’s a good example of how each of the solos build off each other. And the T1 bass on it is simply divine.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

#######################################################<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I spent the night at my folks’ house last night because I can charge overnight there. Aside from getting to chill with my folks in the house they raised me in, I got a chance to have dinner with my parents and my boyfriends. My folks have been pretty cool about the whole Triad thing. (They’re used to me going against the grain on all sorts of things since I was a kid. To their merit, they’ve done their best to instill in me that I had their love, no matter what. I’m forever grateful that I have that kind of stability. It’s also why I’m staying close to home for the foreseeable future–I can be there for them the way they were for their parents, with the added bonus of a much better, zero drama dynamic they lacked when they were my age.) Darling works retail, so he doesn’t always get to make weekend gatherings. Plus we have a new Family Vehicle, so we wanted to show them (newer, better Leaf to travel farther distances so mine can resume being my commuter vehicle.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So now I’m going to write a little bit about people deciding to unalive themselves. If you’re not up for reading that kind of content, please stop reading and go trade funny memes with your peeps who share your sense of humor instead. This is a traumatic subject fo<\/em>r many, and I totally understand if you just can’t give up the energy to read this. I don’t think any less of you, I promise. I’m not entitled to warn people that my words may be triggering just because I have feels I want to share in the hopes it helps oth<\/em>ers. Remember, to seek out your support network if your thoughts are turning dark. So many people would rather help you find the light than lose you to the darkness. Laughter brings in light, so seek out your favorite comedy and wallow in light . Be safe. <\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

After Sweetie and Darling went home, my Mom and I were watching TV. Law and Order is a favorite. I saw a new-to-me episode about the right to die with dignity. How very fitting for this particular week. From a man whose cancer is back and can’t be beat this time. Part of the reason I’m all for people deciding to die rather than continue to exist in their current form is because who am I to tell a fellow human being that certain belief systems insist they prolong their suffering for some sort of express lane to heaven or face the highway to hell. That’s not me. I encourage all suffering humans to make a valid, good faith, sincere try of things for as long as they can. Sometimes death visits, other times you need to find it yourself. Not the prettiest thought, but it’s ok, you can retain your opinions without offense taken or given.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So tonight, 9 years ago, I kinda had a huge feeling that he was already gone. I wouldn’t find out for sure until the following afternoon. It was a long night, but not as long as the following night, when I spent my first night as a widow. Nothing like the feeling of not wanting to go sleep because you’re a mixture of denial, acceptance, and self pity. Women’s intuition was screaming he was gone, but I waited as long as I possibly could until I sought proof.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Yet honestly, there was a weird sense of realization that the end of his suffering meant the beginning of mine, in a way. In many ways, I grew the fuck up after he died. He left me writings that gave me some great advice, a bunch of criticism (the majority of it valid, lol), and many apologies for having to leave me in this particular manner. He broke his cell phone, which was a telling sign–he did not want to be contacted or tracked (as much as a flip phone can be tracked, that is). He’d been asking me to accept his choice for quite awhile. I accepted that I had no right to expect him to suffer any longer than he could manage. I’d never truly accept he was gone until I heard it from another human. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And at the same time, I’d rather have been able to sit with him while he was able to shuffle off his mortal coil. I spent the better part of 6 years caring for my husband, upholding my wedding vows until death parted us. Why shouldn’t I be able to be there when he’s ready to go? Alas, where I live it’s not allowed. I mean, we’re in Soylent Green times, why can’t we Go Home yet? (Ok, so don’t feed our dead to us, though, we’re not that overpopulated yet!) I know, I know, complex issues require complex solutions. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Firth of Fifth, Genesis, Selling England By the Pound This has to be one of my favorite Genesis songs. I think if someone wanted an example of 70’s prog rock, I might bust this one out. It’s not This is one of the first early Genesis songs Kevin played for me in our earliest days.… Continue reading Widowhood Season 8.11: ‘Til lured by the siren’s cry<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2],"tags":[68,54,9],"class_list":["post-510","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-daphne","tag-content-warning","tag-suicide","tag-widow"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p8fVx5-8e","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":453,"url":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/widowhood-season-8-14-songs\/","url_meta":{"origin":510,"position":0},"title":"Widowhood Season 8: 14 Songs","author":"Daphne Lightner","date":"June 27, 2023","format":false,"excerpt":"A Dirt Fam member inspired me to do something different this Season. Heck, I didn't even write about last season. Guess therapy was an adequate substitute. :) This year, I have chosen 14 songs that I associate with Kevin. This year I'll write a little about them. It was hard\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "journal"","block_context":{"text":"journal","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/category\/journal\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":364,"url":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/widowhood-season-6-1-songs-and-tonys-teens\/","url_meta":{"origin":510,"position":1},"title":"Widowhood Season 6.1: Songs and Tony’s Teens","author":"Daphne Lightner","date":"July 1, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"7\/1\/21 He's all up in my playlist today. Stuff I haven't heard in ages. The songs that comfort and help motivate as I make today's use of Excel. Macros and Visual Basic, baby. Returning to my programming roots in a 21st Century way. It's a living. This season, I have\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "journal"","block_context":{"text":"journal","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/category\/journal\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":418,"url":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/giving-the-past-a-slip\/","url_meta":{"origin":510,"position":2},"title":"Giving the Past a Slip","author":"Daphne Lightner","date":"May 19, 2022","format":false,"excerpt":"\"How was your night, Daphne?\" \"I got a little piece of my soul back.\" Just saw the Genesis tribute band perform \"The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway,\" pretty much the way Genesis did when I was a baby. I had such a wonderful time, and it was very healing for\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "journal"","block_context":{"text":"journal","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/category\/journal\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":242,"url":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/narrative-mostly-freewriting-3\/","url_meta":{"origin":510,"position":3},"title":"Narrative Mostly Freewriting #3","author":"Daphne Lightner","date":"January 11, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"The news that Neal Pert has left this world reached the world today. Such a talented person we lost too soon. I listened to most of Rush's \"Moving Pictures\" today on the drive home. We still have the music and lots of videos that have archived a lot of his\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "journal"","block_context":{"text":"journal","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/category\/journal\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":475,"url":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/widowhood-season-8-5\/","url_meta":{"origin":510,"position":4},"title":"Widowhood Season 8.5: The child is father of the man","author":"Daphne Lightner","date":"July 5, 2023","format":false,"excerpt":"Surf's Up, The Beach Boys, Surf's Up Back in the days before music was easy (and free) to obtain, if you damaged your copy of an album, you pretty much lost your ability to hear that music until you obtained a copy again. Both Kevin and I grew up listening\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "daphne"","block_context":{"text":"daphne","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/category\/daphne\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":250,"url":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/dear-kevin\/","url_meta":{"origin":510,"position":5},"title":"Dear Kevin","author":"Daphne Lightner","date":"March 4, 2020","format":false,"excerpt":"Winter, 2020 (specifically March 2nd) Note: Written as homework for therapy. SB, It\u2019s been hard for me to face the loss of you.\u00a0 You were in my life for 46% of it up to the moment you died.\u00a0 The cats were our kids, and you stayed alive for them as\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "daphne"","block_context":{"text":"daphne","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/category\/daphne\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/510","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=510"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/510\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":511,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/510\/revisions\/511"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=510"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=510"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=510"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}