{"id":374,"date":"2021-07-08T19:20:00","date_gmt":"2021-07-08T19:20:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/?p=374"},"modified":"2023-06-27T02:36:27","modified_gmt":"2023-06-27T02:36:27","slug":"widowhood-season-6-4-survivors-guilt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/widowhood-season-6-4-survivors-guilt\/","title":{"rendered":"Widowhood Season 6.4: Survivor’s Guilt"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Using the day off you’re taking because you just can’t go to work on your widowhood anniversary, to attend to your medical needs, using your insurance and FasTrack pass to drive out to where the referral is. <\/em>Seriously? <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The nerve… After all, you failed. You even forgave him before he died. You didn’t know what the mourning would be like, and yet you forgave him?<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

Gotta love survivor’s guilt. I need the damn MRI because of a dumb choice 30 years ago that resulted in a lovely compression fracture on my L1.(An alternate universe has me the parent of a 29 year old, had I made a different dumb choice that day.) Now that area is not happy with me. X-ray wasn’t detailed enough, so it’s MRI time.(My upper back is mostly muscle- related pain, as the specialist expected.)<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I did what I could for Kevin. You fight the good fight as best you can and accept defeat gracefully.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’ve done my best to create a new life for myself these past 7 years. I’ve been delayed by grief more than I expected. Significant losses of loved ones are hell to go though. Full stop. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

I love where I am in life, by and large. It’s like I’m finally figuring out who I really am for the first time in my life. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Speaking of which, Darling said supper’s ready. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Using the day off you’re taking because you just can’t go to work on your widowhood anniversary, to attend to your medical needs, using your insurance and FasTrack pass to drive out to where the referral is. Seriously? The nerve… After all, you failed. You even forgave him before he died. You didn’t know what… Continue reading Widowhood Season 6.4: Survivor’s Guilt<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[2,4],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-374","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-daphne","category-journal"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p8fVx5-62","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":372,"url":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/widowhood-season-6-3-couple-thoughts\/","url_meta":{"origin":374,"position":0},"title":"Widowhood Season 6.3: Couple Thoughts","author":"Daphne Lightner","date":"July 6, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"Still don't like feeling the loss. I think the extra naps this weekend were an attempt to be less conscious through this season. Already looking forward to being quite busy on The Day. Though that survivor's guilt is gonna really make the MRI difficult. Too bad I have to drive\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "journal"","block_context":{"text":"journal","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/category\/journal\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":364,"url":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/widowhood-season-6-1-songs-and-tonys-teens\/","url_meta":{"origin":374,"position":1},"title":"Widowhood Season 6.1: Songs and Tony’s Teens","author":"Daphne Lightner","date":"July 1, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"7\/1\/21 He's all up in my playlist today. Stuff I haven't heard in ages. The songs that comfort and help motivate as I make today's use of Excel. Macros and Visual Basic, baby. Returning to my programming roots in a 21st Century way. It's a living. This season, I have\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "journal"","block_context":{"text":"journal","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/category\/journal\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":378,"url":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/widowhood-season-6-5-anniversary-episode\/","url_meta":{"origin":374,"position":2},"title":"Widowhood Season 6.5: Anniversary Episode","author":"Daphne Lightner","date":"July 19, 2021","format":false,"excerpt":"7\/14 was full of doctor's appointments. Maybe keeping busy would help? Ah yes, the routine appointments: therapy and meds review. I can has stability. Now to maintain it. MRI, mercifully short and not as traumatic. I knew what to expect. Still, I hope to see what my back looks like\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "daphne"","block_context":{"text":"daphne","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/category\/daphne\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":219,"url":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/pain-as-a-sense-memory-trigger\/","url_meta":{"origin":374,"position":3},"title":"Pain as a Sense Memory Trigger","author":"Daphne Lightner","date":"August 20, 2019","format":false,"excerpt":"I've written before about some issues I had related to painkillers, sense memory, and survivor's guilt. Here's a little more: How does a widow process whatever emotion's being pinged by some lower back pain brought on due to her spending a chunk of Saturday working on wiring while sitting on\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "journal"","block_context":{"text":"journal","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/category\/journal\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":566,"url":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/widowhood-season-9-03\/","url_meta":{"origin":374,"position":4},"title":"Widowhood Season 9.03","author":"Daphne Lightner","date":"July 4, 2024","format":false,"excerpt":"It's a Bright Size Life kind of afternoon. My life would be so different if it lacked the music of Pat Metheny. Once again, I want to write because I should, but my brain draws a blank. I kind of hate that. I'm one of those people who has to\u2026","rel":"","context":"Similar post","block_context":{"text":"Similar post","link":""},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]},{"id":453,"url":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/widowhood-season-8-14-songs\/","url_meta":{"origin":374,"position":5},"title":"Widowhood Season 8: 14 Songs","author":"Daphne Lightner","date":"June 27, 2023","format":false,"excerpt":"A Dirt Fam member inspired me to do something different this Season. Heck, I didn't even write about last season. Guess therapy was an adequate substitute. :) This year, I have chosen 14 songs that I associate with Kevin. This year I'll write a little about them. It was hard\u2026","rel":"","context":"In "journal"","block_context":{"text":"journal","link":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/category\/journal\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"","width":0,"height":0},"classes":[]}],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/374","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=374"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/374\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":376,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/374\/revisions\/376"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=374"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=374"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/minimoog.net\/daphne\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=374"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}