I downloaded a random scrabble-type game a couple months ago and have been playing against their bot on “Normal” mode. Haven’t lost a game yet. As silly as it sounds, it’s kind of comforting. Kevin and I played a lot of Scrabble during our time together. We bought two versions of the game as operating systems evolved. I couldn’t play this game for years after he died. Too fucking painful.
So far my best scoring word was “Quoted” for 99 points. I’ve won all 495 games I’ve played. And yeah, that’s a lot. It seems like my new self-soothing method or something like that.
This is the first time I’m writing using the Specific Writing Space Setup that I devised last week. Didn’t purchase anything new for it—either I had it or it was a hand-me-down.
But like the title says, coming up with words in a game against a bunch of code is really easy. Doing this—sitting down and writing like deliberately—hasn’t been easy. The words swirl around a lot in my head but it’s hard to actually write them. For some odd reason, that reminded me of Malcolm X talking about how hard it was for him to kneel and pray to Allah the first time. Sometimes, finding the necessary gumption takes longer than one would like.
I started therapy again recently. I really needed it. I’ve got a great one this time! Apparently my narrative style also comes out in the way I talk. Interesting. Yes, I do want to process the last relationship I got out of, but more importantly, I need to figure out who the hell I am at this point in my life. Now that I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m a raging demisexual old maid, I need to have a rough plan for the rest of my life.
I think I’m closer to who I would have wanted to be at 50 when I was 14 than anything. Well, had I known about things like polyamory, soul mates, and jazz fusion. Of course, it’s easy to follow that mindset when I’m listening to the same music by the same DJ’s as I did back then. I think I always go back to 14 because I think that’s when I was finally starting to feel more comfortable in my own skin. Then the quest for heteronormativity set in and fucked things up for like 3 and a half decades. I mean, I did wonder what it would be like to have a boyfriend back then. I was demibi back then though, even though I didn’t know the nuances of sexual attraction.
The part of me that misses Kevin so much it hurts has been popping up more lately. I think that’s why I keep gravitating towards the word game. I know I’m playing against code, not the spirit of my dead husband. Why? I’m having all the luck he used to have when we played. 🙂
I’ve had “my bedroom” for about a year now. It’s only really taken shape the past couple of months. It all started with getting my childhood dream bed—a canopy daybed. That freed up so much space in my room. Making an effort to keep things tidier has been a slow thing. I’m pleased to discover that the more empty space on the floor I have, the more motivated I am to keep it from getting too cluttered.
Back to that writing spot. It’s a good illustration of the perks of having a clean floor. It’s gonna be easy for me to sit down and write like I am right now. And like TKD, even if I’m not totally enthusiastic about it when I start doing it, I never regret the experience.
Speaking of TKD, I’m having sooo much fun! So happy that I finally get to experience Purple Belt Life. My school has this “nurturing with discipline” vibe and it has done so much for my body and my soul.
I still remember being in 1st grade and Miss Flynn (RIP) was talking about her apartment and her cat. That’s what I wanted—my own place. However, I was never led to believe that was a valid option, just something that might happen when I got older if I didn’t get to have a “normal life” with a husband and children.
Well, I did write a little last week, because I had the time. Had to process some Previous Relationship Realizations that had been swirling around in my head for a week or two. I mean, there’s a lot I could say about those two. I guess the best way to say it is that I miss what I thought I had.